Sixth Step, I'm Upset.

Good day to everyone I guess.

Here I am,

Writing this post at 4:30AM GMT+8,

Listening to some slow pop and sad songs on Spotify,

Slept at 11:30PM and woke up at 2:30AM is not a good feeling,

I wonder is it because of him hiding in the back of my mind?

I guess you will want to know what had happened during the V day, last weekend.

I will just make the story short as I have been telling it out in different sequences...

We met up and he bought 'Deadpool' movie for both of us,

He was late but it was fine for me because, well duh, I'm being called the Sleepy Queen all the times for a good reason,

I was just happy to see him.

Yeah, I'm that simple.

But times are that I'm thinking if I'm liking the right guy?

Is he playing a fool out of me?

Can a guy be so dense and dumb?

Am I not good enough?

Obviously I overthink a lot.

After the movie,

We went for dinner, it was 6:00PM and I didn't have any breakfast or lunch,

I didn't really feel hungry but yeah, my stomach can eat something...

We talked,

I talked,

He talked,

I honestly don't remember much what we talked but it was good.

I felt good.

I enjoyed talking or listening to him even though it is boring sometimes hahaha.

Then came to a point where I'm finally breaking.

I can actually understand why some people say that a woman can changes her mood and behavior in split seconds,

I kind of made the situation went from chilling to intense talking in few minutes lol.

He asked one innocent question, something like;

"What do you want for your birthday?"

At that point, I was kind of pissed.

I mean, how can you ask the woman what she wants from her birthday,

I know it is a simple question that guy doesn't really thought much before asking,

But for me, it was a Valentine's Day and I bought you gifts,

The thrill and excitement of choosing a gift or two for someone you care about,

That feeling is unexplainable,

And I really poured my heart and soul into choosing the 02 gifts for him.

So, when he asked that question of what I want for my birthday,

I told him off that you should not ask this kind of question from the birthday girl...

Then on and on, I don't remember what I said but that he is being inconsiderate,

He asked if it was because of him being late to the movie and didn't bought me any V Day gifts?

NO!

I don't really care about you being late because I'm late all the times xD

And I don't care about the little details (even though it did disappointed me a tad), that you didn't prepare any V Day gifts, but you were here!

Like here, on this V Day date?

I was happy and to have you paid for the movie and meals, that was enough for me.

I said he is being inconsiderate, is because I felt I'm taking too much initiative in this dating process...

In my heart; I screamed,

"I'm always the one texting you first!"

"I'm always the one asking you out first!"

"I'm always the one invite you for games first!"

"I'm always the one chasing for CONFIRMATION and plans on the dates!"

"Why couldn't you be the one taking the initiative first?!"

But yeah well,

I didn't tell him all that but just few things like he is playing dumb, I feel stressed over nothing and pissed that because I know I'm stressing for NOTHING!

Lol.

I hope that makes sense but yeah he understood what I meant.

I wanted to know if he wants this to go on and if he doesn't want to,

You can just stop.

He said he was sorry that it seemed that he was dragging this and that it was not his intentions to make me feel so,

He isn't playing dumb or etc etc,

He is just so dense...

In my mind; I was thinking,

"DOES SMOKING WEED MAKE ONE PERSON GOES STUPID?!"

But nah, he said he has low EQ.

(And that's what I called; dense)

I wanted him to think more and see what can we make out of this.

He is still afraid of starting anything and I understand that.

I'm not asking for any promises or answers...

I just want to know if you want to continue or stop.

Because I'm honestly quite tired and hate feeling low like this, because of this 'dating' thing.

I felt like I'm not my usual self,

I'm a woman okay, I need my pride!

So then, he told me about his past relationship,

How it scarred him even though he has moved on.

He was afraid if he starts something and put so much effort in it but if in the end it will be gone then he doesn't wish anything to do with it.

It headed to the physical intimacy or intimate relationship thing which I cannot say I'm experienced in,

There are a lot of painful relationships and you really cannot categorize them.

Even though I didn't have any strong or intimate relationship,

But I kind of get it that if you have had such intimacy with your previous partner,

Of course, it will leave a deeper scar...

However, that doesn't mean you can make lightly of my previous non-existence relationships or dates...

I never had any experiences that you can call it as 'relationship'.

I did feel hurt nonetheless,

The what-ifs and what-nots, that eats me alive all the time

.

Just like how it does to me; being the one chasing after you.

You don't know what I went through and how I got through it.

So it is unfair for me if you wish to compare with yours.

I did care most of them.

I did feel like shit when none of them work out.

What makes you think why I'm single until now?

And why do you think I'm going after you?

And why,

Am I still wanting but not wanting this?

These things are playing around my head, every time when night falls.

I hate it.

But I can handle it.

Because I think you're worth it.

But do you?