I Don't Feel Good & I Do Care.

This is how I live my life,

Fairytale or not,

I do care but I don't actually too much.

For Fuck's Sake (FFS)

Like hell I don't know this life I'm living in IS the reality.

I'm not 'that' happy of course,

I don't feel confident.

C'mon, I know I have never been feeling confident.

I'm not even myself these days.

I don't have friends left, and I'm the reason.

I do tell myself that I'm actually can live up with that.

But now more and more friends of mine leaving me, not like leaving me by breaking up our friendship,

But, they're leaving me to go to other countries,

Some migrated, some gone there for further studies.

I should feel happy because I'm still alive now, after that stupid incident.

I should feel happy because I've a job and few new friends (colleagues).

But you know,

I feel lonely and alone.

I don't belong with them.

Even how I smile sincerely with them every working day,

I'm still feeling left out.

Again,

This happens again.

I hate feeling like this.

I hate being like this.

Surely if my enemies see this post,

They'd be laughing hard and pointing at me, saying,

I deserve it.

For the first time,

I think I'd agree with that saying.

Sometimes,

I can't understand what I want,

I don't know what I want at all,

Nobody understands me,

When they think they do, which they somehow sometimes nailed the right thing,

I still feel they don't.

I miss my childhood days.

I miss those once free and wild days.

Where no harassment around.

I want to find myself back.

Where are you?

Where have you gone to?

Where's the cheerful Kiet Han?

Or was there no cheerful Kiet Han?

Who am I then?

The pitiful Kiet Han?

The pessimist Kiet Han?

Had I ever felt happy?

Yes, that I can be sure that I had.

I feel so lost.

It's like my soul has left me.

Wise man says that if you constantly feeling unhappy and unsatisfied of yourself and other things,

The goods would abandoned you and all you are left with is the bads,

Hence, your soul eventually will forsake your body.

Since all your body owns are negativities.

Even my sister said,

"The Ghost will follow you around if there's really one heard what you've been saying,"

"It'll target you."

I was dumbfounded and shocked.

True.

I kinda superstitious regarding to this matter.

So I went and scolded 'that' thing (if there was really one nearby me),

"Don't fucking come near me, if I want to die, that's my problem,

don't you fucking dare decide my fate, and again, the dead of me is MY business.

So get the fuck away from me NOW."

I've been complaining about my life,

And I said I don't care if I die,

Perhaps it'd be better if I die.

But.

After that incident,

I don't feel like wanting to die, yet.

I still want to find my soul back.

The real me back.

And accomplish my missions first.

I want to love my life.

I want to find the love of my life.

I want to enjoy my life.

I want to live better than this.