Fourteenth Step : Vulnerability

Hi 😁

It's almost one month and I still can't shake the newbie feeling of me having a boyfriend...

I AM glad and happy.

God, the feeling of having someone that you trust to watch your back and be there for you...

Is such a blessing.

But yet, somewhere in the corner of your heart feels odd.

There's this feeling like you've got to chill and open the door wider.

I mean.

Being vulnerable is scary.

Plus I shared my blog link to Mr. G.

Like really, my book is completely open, wild and free.

When you feel too naked about yourself, you might lose some senses.

Your mind will be clouded and you can't help remembering the little details of the moments you spent together.

Somehow, someway,

You will venture deeper with random thoughts about the past, then the future and lastly but not least; the present.

I'm considered as lucky because I don't dwell much on the past.

Nothing too hurtful or unfortunate had happened to me or my family, except for having been poor and messy family trees.

However, yes, I do remember them quite vividly and will only bring them up when it is necessary,

To remind and tell myself that I have to move on and be grateful.

What has passed is past...

You can't change anything about it, 

But you can with what you have in the present days and plan for the future.

Maybe because I am always looking ahead and maybe I'm too naive as well...

Because I don't plan much ahead, and I'm like "we will sort it out later when it comes" or "don't trouble yourself if it's not happening" ?

You can prepare for the worst but don't get too deep.

Once you succumbed into such negativity, it's hard to come back up and breathe.

You will hurt yourself and those around you.

I understand that sometimes I move too fast as well.

Therefore I might've pressured you and I hope you wouldn't feel too suffocating.

I've always wanted to let my parents or grandma to meet the person that I love, who has become someone that means so much to me in such a short period of time.

You're much more amazing to be compared to me.

And yeah, I do feel that you're too nice for me,

And that if I do deserve you?

And that if you really love me the same way as I do?

Actually,

Consider the incident or discussion we had before this.

I don't blame you though.

I'm being too hard on myself too most of the time.

Look, I'm too sure about myself.

My friend once said that an Aquarian needs to see actions to be convinced.

Not just fancy words or promises.

I guess I'm pretty much the same.

I will show my efforts and give all my attentions when it comes to something that means a lot me.

Thus, sometimes I expect you to do the same.

Which you did some!

Congrats!

Being too honest sucks because some people will say you will keep on digging up problems.

But hey, I just like to be on the same page and to understand each other more.

And I'm the type that hates to keep secrets or unresolved cases in my heart, because it's painful.

And then I will get emotional.

Flaws or imperfections,

Dense or stupid,

Selfish or self-centered,

I still want all of you.

Yeap.

Love hurts.

It's like a drug and the more toxic it is, the more you crave after it.

Always playing on the borderline.

And it stays just right there, to keep your head straight and obsessed all the time.

So fragile.

So tender.

So dear to us who has found it.

Love huh?

Is that really what it is?

I didn't know.

Now I kind of understand why people say that being in love with someone makes you stupid.

And I don't need any alcohol or ecstacy pills to get wasted.

Because I already am the love drunk.